Transgender Day of Visibility 2024

 For various reasons I haven't had the opportunity to get out much in 2024, but to mark Transgender Day of Visibility here's a reminder of happier times

Canal dreams, passing and (apparently) passing.

The now obligatory annual shot of Susie looking out from a canal bridge. 

This time though, a different bridge and different hair. 

Perhaps I should think about renaming this blog 'Girl on a Bridge'. It does seems to be a recurrent theme.

One thing I've noticed is that even if I think I have overdone the makeup for someone just going out for a early morning walk, it almost never shows up on camera. I really can't decide whether that's a good or bad thing in the balance between the 'less is more' advice after a certain age, and being able to see my male self coming through a bit too obviously. Or maybe that's just me being hypercritical. Later on the same day when I went out again I walked right past one of the church ladies I often chat with. and sometimes walk part of the way home with. while she was waiting outside for a bus, and there was not a flicker of recognition as I passed her. Either that or she was being very, very discreet. Maybe we shall find out next week. Indeed I've often thought how lovely it would be to be accepted as Susie at the weekly coffee mornings.

xx

In Thru the Out Door

 When you realise that you now own most of those items of women's underwear that you looked at furtively in your mum's mail order catalogues as a confused and troubled ten year old.

Followed by the sobering realisation that you now need them them as essential shapewear to hold everything in place, rather than as curious and exotic objects of desire.

there will now be a short intermission...

What?

Yes, I know. Ten months between posts is rather a long time.

Real Life rather got away from me since the last post back in August and I didn't feel up to blogging about anything until it all settled down.

For a start, there has been been - and still continues to be - almost a year-long hiatus over time as Susie for the whole of the winter and pretty much up to the start of this August. Although for a long period, that wasn't the the main thing on my mind.

For a start, my father was diagnosed with untreatable cancer at the end of last year and passed away a few weeks later.

After the funeral I stayed over at my sister's a couple of times to give her a hand looking after Mum. On night over dinner she confronted me about why I had always appeared distant and apart around the rest of the family. So I came out about being trans/ bi-gender and that I had felt that way (even if I didn't have the words for it back then) as far back as I can remember. I don't think it what she was expecting. In fact I learned that people in the family had long speculated that I was gay, but were waiting for me to come out.

I don't know whether I was more disappointed or relieved that the subject was never mentioned again after that night, as if a door had been opened and then just as firmly shut again.

That feeling of limbo persisted until June, when I posted a photo on FB where I had taken part in the second Pride Day at Witney where my workplace was helping to sponsor that year's march. That post prompted an IM from my brother, asking if this was me finally coming out, and after a bit of hesitation and continued prompting I finally came out to him as well. 

(" You look a lot better as a woman" was his comment. I'm still working out how to unpack that, even if it is something I've thought since I took my first selfie as Susie.)

Which is where we are, at the moment. Two of my siblings now know, one doesn't (as far as I know) and neither does my mother. Opinions are divided over whether that is a good or bad thing.)

I did eventually get a few days to myself at the start of August, but the weather decided to be typical of an unpredictable British Summer, which meant it rained constantly and heavily apart from one day, which was the day that the gardeners working in the neighbouring garden knocked on the door to get access to our garden to cut back the branches of an overhanging tree. Luckily I was still in male drab at that point, although I had been looking forward to some time out as Susie later. I do wonder what would have happened if I had already changed. Would I have been confident to open the door as Susie, or pretended to be out?

blurring the borders

An email from Tumblr reminded me that Susie turned 8 in mid July.

Actually, I now think of that initial period of 2015-2016 as a bit of a false start, albeit one that allowed me to reach out and build some confidence online.

Susie as a person in the real world, or at least outside the confines of the house, really started in 2019 (see Back in Black https://susie-sometimes.blogspot.com/2021/05/). All though that period I was careful to the point of paranoia about keeping Susie completely separate from my day-to-day self. Both had different email and FB accounts with no overlapping contacts, used different browsers, mostly in Incognito/Privacy mode when using Susie's accounts. Even then, male me would sometimes get some odd and surprising ad suggestions which indicated that the behind the scenes separation wasn't quite as complete as I hoped.

What changed was that in 2020 I found myself on the committee of a new UK Pride Network chapter at work, where I had originally signed up as an ally. Coming out as a Pride ally at work and letting other people draw their own conclusions as to how far that went removed a lot of the stress of trying to keep that part of my private life completely separate from work. In due course, on one TDoV, I introduced Susie to other members of Pride committee and even allowed them to meet Susie online (this was in the middle of lockdown) although I chickened out of later attending Witney Pride as Susie. I regret that now. Maybe next year.

Somewhere around the same time I came out to a couple of other people I'd known for a very long time, and then, as mentioned above, I came out to two of my siblings. So even if I'm not fully out, the lines of separation are now starting to blur a little. And you know, it's a relief not to be constantly worrying about hiding myself after all those years. Who would have guessed that would come from a diversity and inclusion initiative at work.

xxx

Susie

Fairy doors and other encounters

A long time ago, long enough that I've forgotten where I wrote about it, when I first started going out and exploring the outside world as Susie back around 2016/17, one of my walks led me down a side path off the canal towards one of the neighbouring villages. Almost the first thing I noticed when not keeping a wary eye for other people on the path was that a number of the trees along the path were adorned with tiny wooden doors and houses. There was even a sign hanging in one showing "This Way to Fairyland ->".

(I've grown a lot more confident about meeting other people when I'm out and now it's something I look forward to, otherwise walks can feel a bit lonely. This morning I lost count after exchanging about a dozen 'good mornings' and stopping to fuss several friendly dogs. I wonder if it's the walks I now I look forward to more, or the small social interactions as Susie, as a sort of validation/reassurance that I'm not seen as the terrible ogre the Tory right wing would like you to believe.)

The Fairyland sign is no longer there as far as I could tell when, on a whim, I decided to explore that path again this morning. But the little fairy doors and houses are still in the trees. In fact there seem to be more than I remember. Some of the additions, like the little wooden boat floating in the creek, were even more surreal.

Wiki has an entry for Fairy Door, and it seems to be something that started around 2015/2015 both in the US and in part of the UK (though it also warns of the harm that can be done nailing or gluing things on trees).  But it's an odd little form of rural art, or whimsy, a bit like the trend for decorating street furniture in towns (knitted hats on post-boxes, or scarves for lampposts). It's also rather charming.

Drop till you shop

Another early morning walk down to the canal towpath and back through the nature reserve whereupon nature's own call suddenly made itself felt. (Perhaps that second cup of coffee was a mistake before going out for a long walk.) Luckily Sainsbury's was just across the road, which also provided an opportunity for a bit of retail therapy. I'm really on the look for a pair of light blue skinny jeans, but all they had were darker colours. I may try the village later.

Or perhaps I need a poodle skirt and lots of petticoats to go with the trainers and bobby sox look. (this perhaps?)*

Am I overdoing the 'mumsy' look a bit here?

[ *warning. You can get lost in this site and lose whole mornings.]

Halfway: Going up or coming down?

Three posts in as many days. what is she thinking?

She's thinking that she's having the time of her life and rather wishes this could just go on forever,  but I'm just over the halfway point where I'm counting the days left before Susie has to go back in her box.

Decided to go the other way up the canal path this time and come back into town by bus. Forgot that my bus pass is only valid after 9am, so ended up with a longer walk back than I anticipated.

Park Life

In which our heroine ventures - a bit - further afield...

'confidence is a preference' says Tony Daniels at the start of Blur's Park Life.

Having tried all the local parks, I thought I'd try one a bit further, although it's really only a short hop and skip of a bus ride. 

Actually I've been here before on an exploratory visit a couple of years before lockdown, so I knew there were generously sized gender-neutral loos that I could change in, and back for the trip home. 

I wasn't confident then or now to try the whole trip there and back as Susie, but maybe that's still to come. 

Glorious day, although perhaps leaving it to the middle of the afternoon wasn't the best choice. Or forgetting to pack a bottle of water along with the myriad other things I needed to remember for the change bag (skirt, check; flats, check; wig, check; forms, check; wipes, check; keys, check; camera, check; keys, check again). It's these days you really envy women who can just pull on a pair of shorts, sandals and a loose top and be out in 5 minutes without having to bag half the contents of the bathroom.

(Although I did see one girl, years ago, empty what looked like the entire Boots cosmetics counter out of her bag onto the bus seat beside her and give a full makeup demonstration to anyone watching. I wouldn't have been brave enough to put anything near my eyes on a bus hurtling down a country road full of potholes. Astonishing, she looked immaculate when she got off at the station.)

 

meanwhile, some other park life... (I was examined briefly for food and then summarily dismissed.)