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Monday, 16 August 2021

No Room in the Closet

"All women dress like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That is his"

(a wonderful misquote of Oscar Wilde in Alan Bennett's 40 Years On)

"No man does."

Apart from those of us who did at an early age, those being the only female clothes readily available to us, unless we were fortunate enough  to have sisters close to us in age. Unfortunately, my only sister being very much younger than me meant that by the time I started to explore those feelings I had as much chance of wearing her dresses as those of her dolls, so I missed out of whole experience of dressing as a girl - except in my dreams - and that moment had long passed by the time I was brave enough to venture into a charity shop and look for clothes of my own. But back in 1967 I would always feel a frisson of desire when I heard the plaintive complaint of outrage on The Who's 'I'm a Boy' from a boy being dressed as a little girl by a mother who only wanted daughters and wish we could have swapped places. Maybe outwardly I might have protested too (though I'm not sure) but inside I would have been thrilled and delighted.

I had a similar reaction of missed opportunity when I came across a  recent post from Stana (femulate.org) which mentioned a young Minecraft gamer, who blogs under the name F1nn5ter,  who as a result of losing a bet started to blog as as a e-girl named Rose. Things started to escalate as Finn accepted more bets and challenges from viewers to the point where he was practically dressing and blogging as Rose full time, first for a week, then a month, then three months.  While Finn makes no effort to pretend be other than a boy dressed as a girl (often in the mostly ridiculous outfits his viewers send in bids for), he definitely aced the genetic lottery when it came to facial features. As Rose, he is remarkably pretty (and manages an enviable cleavage). 
He has even inspired a few others, and one gamer he chats with, who goes by the name Fr3ddi, is if anything even prettier.

But it was this post on Finns YouTube channel which caught my attention, where Finn goes for a walk outside at night dressed as Rose (Night time walk as Rose).  

Watching this took me back to my first blog post when I did the same thing for the first time six years ago back in July 2015. And like Finn I was acutely conscious of the sound of my heels on the pavement, (I've since learned to wear flats or low heel boots when outside and also, after one scary night when I was convinced I was being followed, of the inadvisability of going out alone dressed late at night.) 
 
I'm not sure if it this, or another when video where Finn goes for a walk  dressed (this time during the day) where he gets lost and finds himself in a road he doesn't recognise, with no idea of where he is. I've done this too, more than once. On several occasions that I've been out as Susie, I've found myself giving in to what seems like her desire to explore side roads and footpaths that I never normally go down (or in some cases wasn't even aware they existed) just to find out where they go. And on at least a couple of those occasions I have ended up getting completely lost with no idea of where I am, and am faced with a decision to either try to back track my route and hoping I can remember which turns I took, or press on in the hope that I will eventually come out somewhere I recognise. 

"Guys, I may have a problem."
In one blog a viewer asks Finn how many dresses he has so he does a quick tally and comes up with twenty four. And I suspect this is before someone posted his address online and fans started to send him parcels (anything from sweets to makeup, shoes and of course, more clothes) 
At that point it must have seemed that Rose had completely taken over any available space in the wardrobe.  That's a point I reached with Susie a while ago. Six years ago Susie's things could fit in a small suitcase. Since then they have overflowed to two drawers of the bedside cabinet,  half of the bedroom closet and part of the spare room.
A large part of that overflow could probably be put down as 'retail therapy', browsing the racks in various charity shops as a sublimation activity in extended lean periods when dressing was not possible. 

Two thoughtful recent posts by Lynn (Time and Tide) and Andrea (The Dress) both touch on the subject of clothes buying as a form of distraction activity to try and cope with the 'pink fog' that sometimes descends at times of frustration or stress. 
Like Lynn, I am in another extended period of trans lock-down, due to the lack of opportunity and what seem an endless parade of rainy weekends though July and the first part August. 
Since my partner doesn't want to have to see Susie, opportunities for dressing usually only come on weekends when she goes out for the day to pursue her own photographic interests but also that I can "have some time for myself". 
It's a compromise that usually works out fairly well (and that I'm hugely grateful for) but it's very dependent on the weather forecast for the weekend and it's often left both of us frustrated and tetchy after a long series of rainy weekends.
It's then that the urge for a bit of sublimation activity to scratch the itch kicks in and I spend time browsing the racks in local charity shops. Luckily I have not succumbed to the temptation of shopping online, despite the tempting adverts cropping in the sidebar of my email account. I'm also acutely aware that Susie is in danger of staging a trans takeover of available space in the house - not just in the closet (and when was the last time I bought anything for my male self, apart from socks?) but that the overflow of wigs, shoes and makeup is competing for the space for my guitars and keyboards in the spare room. So for various reasons I've become a lot more selective about bringing any new stuff into the house. Do I really need another yet dress or pair of shoes and if so, why? - and will I ever wear it, or am I just buying for the sake of buying something? (I have a similar problem with buying CDs that I rarely get round to listening to, but at least they don't take as much space, although they are starting to stack up in piles around the house.)


I don't know if was Finn's idea to get a bridal gown or whether it was something in the many parcels that viewers and fans started mailing him. (I do wonder how may of Finn's viewer are secretly of our ilk and  use Finn willingness to dress up in a series of fantasy outfits to sublimate some of their own desires.) 
He does make a delightful bride though, although with the same struggle to get into a long corset style dress that Andrea mentioned. 
I've never succumbed to the lure of a wedding gown, or even a bridesmaid's dress, mainly for practical  reasons. Where would I keep it, and when would I even wear it? It's a bit impractical for housework, never mind nipping out en-femme for a a loaf of bread or bottle of  milk. But I can see the allure. Possibly most impractical dress I have is a long back button dress which requires an equal amount of contortion and arms that bend the wrong way to get into (and equally importantly) out of.

[I have a slightly shameful fantasy here, of being buttoned into a dress that it is impossible to unfasten on your own and thus dependent on someone else to let you out of. It's probably the nearest I come to a bondge sub/dom fantasy.]

No points, apparently, for the spot the lyric quiz in my last post. It was from the middle section of Genesis' 'Supper's Ready'. I know I'm old, but I didn't realise I was quite so outdated.

xxx
Susie