Transition Decision

No, not me. That really would put the cap on this relationship. At this late stage I have too much invested in my male side, and there’s too wide a gulf between the fantasy of being Susie and the reality of what it would cost and mean to be her all the time. Although as retirement looms closer, I am concerned that with all that free time, I will want to be her more often that I can, and that will start to cause problems.

I’m talking about the blog. So far I’ve been using it to talking about the problems (and lets face it, the satisfaction and thrill) of wanting to be Susie whenever I have the opportunity. I have wondered if I should actually hand this over to Susie and let this be her blog. (She is currently sitting at the keyboard typing about herself in the third person. That’s weird, and does raise the question of how far Susie is a separate personality from me or just a mask I put on to allow a largely repressed side of me - more colourful and clothes-conscious, more daring, younger - find an expression.

Back in the jug agane

How do you explain to someone what the problem is when they have made it clear to you that the very subject that lies at the heart of your mood swings is a topic that off limits?  Something that might be alluded to occasionally - often with a put down comment that make you want to retreat further back in your shell – but that can and will never openly discussed between you.

The thing I can’t get my head around is that L has been there, come out the other side, and now lives as the person she wants to be. Far from understanding, accepting or tolerating my need to dress, she finds constant opportunities to belittle it as something kinky and ‘pervy’.

 “There are also transsexuals who dislike transvestites as well as homosexuals. Intolerance can be found in strange quarters.” 

Harry Benjamin. The Transsexual Phenomenon.

 

 Saddening, but absolutely true. As cross dressers, we are sometimes seen as the pond-life end of the scale not only by mundane women and men, but also by some transwomen who, having struggled to arrive on the far shore, can be more militant in their intolerance and dislike of ‘mere’ TVs than born-that-way women.

Sometimes we can be our own worst enemies.

This definitely seems to be the situation I find myself in. L knows about my need to dress – has known all along in fact, since we first met – but has always rebuffed and deflected any attempt to discuss it openly. She certainly doesn’t want to be involved in or confronted with it, or meet Susie.

I should be grateful I suppose that at least I’m spared the problem of coming out to her, and as long as I’m reasonably discreet, I don’t have to find hidden corners of the house to hide Susie’s clothes in secret.  Which is starting to be a problem as I tend to shop as a displacement activity when I'm denied the opportunity to dress, and she probably now has many clothes as my male self (and far more shoes) and running out of places to put them.