Now we are Six
Or so an email today from Tumblr informs me.
Who remembers – or still uses - Tumblr these days? But
apparently it still remembers me, enough to send a birthday message at least.
And a reminder to update or verify my account.
Tumblr must have been my first attempt at a blog, or least
until I got bored with posting badly photoshopped pictures of Susie and used it
for posting bits of artwork instead, and then abandoned it in favour of Blogger
where I had more control (theoretically, anyway) over the mixture layout
pictures and words. And there on and off (sometimes for quite long periods) I
have remained.
But Susie is six? At least as far as her appearance in the
blogosphere is concerned. My first Blogger post is dated 19 July 2015 . Perhaps
there should be cake, and candles. (Actually, there should always be cake.,
although I’m prepared to forego the trifle.)
And I wonder if some of those early posts will prove just
as embarrassing as seeing your baby photos when looked back on from the
grown-up perspective of being six.
***
All change!
“Feel your body
melt
Mum to mud to mad to dad”
[points to anyone who identifies the quote.]
The Chinese philosopher Chuang Tzu (Zhuang Zhou) once dreamed he was a butterfly, and when he awoke
suddenly he wondered if he was now Chuang Tzu who had just dreamed of being a
butterfly or a butterfly now dreaming he was a man called Chuang Tzu.
While I wouldn’t go so far as to describe Susie as a butterfly,
except perhaps in her flightier moments, or her rare, fleeting appearances in
the garden, I think I sometimes know how Chuang Tzu must have at that moment of
feeling still suspended between two different states: that of a light carefree
butterfly and the solid reality of mundane existence.
It’s a feeling that lingers in that hour or so when the
last traces of Susie have been packed safely away out of sight after receiving
a phone call from L saying she’s on her way home, and before she comes in
through the door, bursting to tell me all the news of her day out. In that
state I am neither completely one thing nor another. I am no longer Susie, and I’m
just starting to miss her – especially the feeling of hair against the back of
my neck once more, but I have not yet fully adjusted to being boring old S
again.
(For myself, I will not be asked about how my own day was,
or what I did, unless the answer contains no reference to spending the best
part of it as Susie. While her existence is acknowledged in this house, it is
not open to discussion.)
That context switch from being Susie back into mundane life
can sometimes prove difficult, especially when you’re busy editing your answers
before you speak. This is something that
came up in an LGBT+ Ally discussion at work. Self-editing your responses when your
boss or colleague asks about your weekend because you’re not comfortable being
out at work takes a lot of mental effort
that is basically wasted - and constant non-committal answers have the danger
of making you seem aloof, distant or stand-offish. That wasted mental effort,
and the strain it imposes, is part of the reason the company I work for has a
strong Pride LGBT+ network and encourages and supports people who want to be
out and open at work. It’s not totally altruistic: All that wasted mental effort,
they judge, could be better used thinking about work and contributing to
company goals. But it is a move towards a win-win situation. (That is, if you
actually like your work.)
Although here I perhaps ought to confess that despite being
on my workplace’s Pride committee, I am not out myself as trans / bi-gender, even
to fellow members of that committee. That time may still come, but it still
seems a big and potentially irrevocable step to take, despite all the
reassurances about diversity and inclusion, after 40 years of being in hiding.
