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“You’re good girl. You’re a good tall girl. You’re a good sturdy girl” (Self Esteem, “I Do This All the Time”)
While the above quote may seem a bit of a back-handed compliment to a self-conscious cis-girl, I suspect quite a few of us would gladly take it as an affirmation.)
At a bit over 6
ft I realise that I am unlikely to pass unnoticed, especially in the street or
in shops. There’s little you can do about that, except avoid adding to the
problem by wearing heels. (I tend not to and elect for flats when I’m out, and
on the basis that if I look at what other women are wearing it also tend to be
flats, trainers or low-heeled boots. And the few times I’ve been out in even low
(one inch) heels I became acutely conscious of the sound of my steps on the pavement,
even if heels do force you into taking smaller steps in a more feminine gait - something which you have to remember and concentrate on when walking in flats .It’s a bit of
a trade-off, especially for us girls of height.
What’s the
answer? Perhaps to slouch a bit to try and minimise your height? Absolutely
not. Don’t. Again, take note of other women around you and how they hold themselves.
Men often hunch or slouch, usually leading their walk from the upper body or
shoulders. Women, with a different weight distribution and centre of gravity, walk
from the pelvis with their shoulders straight, and lead with the foot first. It
takes conscious practice and it’s often easy to forget, especially if you get
to the comfortable point of no longer thinking about how you are dressed and
start to fall back into more male mannerisms. (My default look these days tends
to be skinny jeans or leggings and a sweater, partly for comfort and partly for anonymity
and not to stand out, although there will always be those occasions
when you see someone wearing something particularly stylish and think “I wish…”)
“Confidence is a preference” (Blur, ‘Park Life’)
As Stana, Kandi and many others have said when touching on this topic, the main key to not drawing the wrong attention to yourself is to act as if you belong – “nothing to see here- just another woman going about her business - glance away and carry on.” Getting to that point does take a bit of confidence. I gradually build mine starting with greetings exchanges with early morning joggers and dog walkers in parks or the local nature reserves (again, a reason not to conspicuously over or underdress unless you want to try pulling a 4 in stiletto out of the grass or a muddy path).
Initially I would try and limit
those encounters to a brief “Good morning” to older women out walking their
dogs As confidence grew that people seemed happy to take me as I presented I gradually
expanded those encounters to the point where a man walking his dog greeted me
as “love” and I treasured that for the rest of the day. At point I felt confident
enough to take Susie into indoor spaces: a small art exhibition in a village
hall, an afternoon at church sale, browsing in charity shops or the sale racks
in Sainsburys, or a quick drop in the library.
Actually my first excursion into a public space was my first appearance (and so far only, but more to do with the lack of places to change in central Oxford) as Susie at a meeting of the local trans support group in the upstairs room of a pub in central Oxford. Both scary and exhilarating – especially that first walk along the High Street to the venue, but the reception was worth the first night nerves.
Which brings me
to another point. Safety. My first tentative ventures outside were alone and at
night. I really don’t recommend this. It can be very scary. Remember how you might
look to others and don’t put yourself into unsafe places or situations. (Although I can guarantee that
after the first time you feel you are being followed with your keys gripped
tightly in one hand you will have a much starker idea of what most women have
to deal with every day. You won’t forget that easily) Then there’s the
additional issue that if you are identified as trans or a cross-dresser out
alone you may make yourself even more subject to abuse or attack. As a first timer you may think that you may be less likely to be ‘read’
after dark, but it’s not worth the danger. Just don’t. If you really have no other option, make sure
there is someone with you.
After that experience I swapped late walks for morning ones. Early enough that I could leave and usually return before the neighbours were up and about, though sometimes a little touch and go on the return, but not so early that it wouldn’t yet be light and that there wouldn’t be a few people around (at bus stops, jogging, or taking dogs for an early walk).
Building confidence
in being out is still a work in progress. I would still like to visit a proper
tea room rather than a supermarket café, or go shopping in town or visit a
museum, and I would love be able go out with a trusted friend (male or female)
maybe for a drink or a meal.
xxx
