In Thru the Out Door

 When you realise that you now own most of those items of women's underwear that you looked at furtively in your mum's mail order catalogues as a confused and troubled ten year old.

Followed by the sobering realisation that you now need them them as essential shapewear to hold everything in place, rather than as curious and exotic objects of desire.

there will now be a short intermission...

What?

Yes, I know. Ten months between posts is rather a long time.

Real Life rather got away from me since the last post back in August and I didn't feel up to blogging about anything until it all settled down.

For a start, there has been been - and still continues to be - almost a year-long hiatus over time as Susie for the whole of the winter and pretty much up to the start of this August. Although for a long period, that wasn't the the main thing on my mind.

For a start, my father was diagnosed with untreatable cancer at the end of last year and passed away a few weeks later.

After the funeral I stayed over at my sister's a couple of times to give her a hand looking after Mum. On night over dinner she confronted me about why I had always appeared distant and apart around the rest of the family. So I came out about being trans/ bi-gender and that I had felt that way (even if I didn't have the words for it back then) as far back as I can remember. I don't think it what she was expecting. In fact I learned that people in the family had long speculated that I was gay, but were waiting for me to come out.

I don't know whether I was more disappointed or relieved that the subject was never mentioned again after that night, as if a door had been opened and then just as firmly shut again.

That feeling of limbo persisted until June, when I posted a photo on FB where I had taken part in the second Pride Day at Witney where my workplace was helping to sponsor that year's march. That post prompted an IM from my brother, asking if this was me finally coming out, and after a bit of hesitation and continued prompting I finally came out to him as well. 

(" You look a lot better as a woman" was his comment. I'm still working out how to unpack that, even if it is something I've thought since I took my first selfie as Susie.)

Which is where we are, at the moment. Two of my siblings now know, one doesn't (as far as I know) and neither does my mother. Opinions are divided over whether that is a good or bad thing.)

I did eventually get a few days to myself at the start of August, but the weather decided to be typical of an unpredictable British Summer, which meant it rained constantly and heavily apart from one day, which was the day that the gardeners working in the neighbouring garden knocked on the door to get access to our garden to cut back the branches of an overhanging tree. Luckily I was still in male drab at that point, although I had been looking forward to some time out as Susie later. I do wonder what would have happened if I had already changed. Would I have been confident to open the door as Susie, or pretended to be out?

blurring the borders

An email from Tumblr reminded me that Susie turned 8 in mid July.

Actually, I now think of that initial period of 2015-2016 as a bit of a false start, albeit one that allowed me to reach out and build some confidence online.

Susie as a person in the real world, or at least outside the confines of the house, really started in 2019 (see Back in Black https://susie-sometimes.blogspot.com/2021/05/). All though that period I was careful to the point of paranoia about keeping Susie completely separate from my day-to-day self. Both had different email and FB accounts with no overlapping contacts, used different browsers, mostly in Incognito/Privacy mode when using Susie's accounts. Even then, male me would sometimes get some odd and surprising ad suggestions which indicated that the behind the scenes separation wasn't quite as complete as I hoped.

What changed was that in 2020 I found myself on the committee of a new UK Pride Network chapter at work, where I had originally signed up as an ally. Coming out as a Pride ally at work and letting other people draw their own conclusions as to how far that went removed a lot of the stress of trying to keep that part of my private life completely separate from work. In due course, on one TDoV, I introduced Susie to other members of Pride committee and even allowed them to meet Susie online (this was in the middle of lockdown) although I chickened out of later attending Witney Pride as Susie. I regret that now. Maybe next year.

Somewhere around the same time I came out to a couple of other people I'd known for a very long time, and then, as mentioned above, I came out to two of my siblings. So even if I'm not fully out, the lines of separation are now starting to blur a little. And you know, it's a relief not to be constantly worrying about hiding myself after all those years. Who would have guessed that would come from a diversity and inclusion initiative at work.

xxx

Susie