I wonder if that’s what I’m doing after starting this blog.
It’s been nearly a month since that first post, during which
I’ve hung back and dithered about what I’m doing and whether I know what I want
to do. Coming out, even pseudonymously, and online, feels like a big step after
I’ve kept the Susie part of me wrapped up and hidden for so long. It’ll be thirty
years since I last revealed my trans side to someone I loved and trusted, and
that went badly wrong. And thirty years on, it seems in danger of happening all
over again.
Having created Susie’s blog and a Tumblr to go with it, and
uploaded a first post, I’ve held back from uploading anything else, apart from
tinkering with the site layout and design. (I’m new to blogging, and a bit of a
geek, so playing with the layout and widgets proved distracting for a few
days.) I don’t know what I quite expected to happen. That I’d get flooded with ‘welcome’
comments, or worse that someone would stumble across my Tumblr site and
somehow recognize me though the mask of makeup and Photoshop airbrushing. (I
have been able to fool myself for a long time that these are merely ‘laughter
lines.’) Highly unlikely, I know. Sometimes – to my intense pleasure – I barely
recognize myself.
I’ve finally come out as Susie because, I think, I’ve finally
found some people online who seem to share what I’m experiencing, and some who
have successfully reached a balance and made it part of their lives, and even (like
Hannah) find a joy and humor in it. To me, that still seems a long way off, but
I would love to reach that point before it’s too late.
Is there anything as good, as a good dither? Or maybe a faff, or a clat? I'm not sure, but I will get back to you. Possibly. :-)
ReplyDeleteHiding in plain site, it's a thing isn't it. There's that nagging worry that in the billions of web pages, someone will find us. Maybe they will, but let's hope they don't. If they do, let's just hope that they're kind and humane about it.
Gosh. My first comment. And how fitting that it's you, Lynne.
DeleteYATGB was the first blog I discovered that reflected the confusion and the ups and down that I felt. I followed your links to other blogs, and their links in turn, and Susie's blog came out of a feeling that I wanted to be part of that conversation, rather than just eavesdropping from outside as I had been up to then..
I find hiding in plain sight, as Lynn puts it, can make one worry. I have realised that over the short time I have been blogging I have left hits and whispers of information in my airings. I think if someone would want to find out who the person behind Abigale is could do so. No! I’m not asking anyone to try, no prizes if they succeed either. Susie, it is good that you are coming out here and finding like friends. I’m glad I took the plunge as you have to finally give oneself a name and dress when one can. I must say (and Lynn will try and tell me of again), that you both have something in common - good looks!
ReplyDeleteAbi
Thank you Abi. Finding friends who I can talk to is the main motivation for starting this blog. For a long time I was more of an anonymous eavesdropper on the conversation, but as soon as Susie had a name and an online identity I wanted to part of it as well.
DeleteI have to confess that the 'looks' owe a lot to the raft of makeover software tools I threw at my camera images in an attempt to emulate the results a professional makeup artist might achieve. It would be so gratifying to actually see that in the mirror. (Which I sort of can if I take off my glasses - without them Susie is blind as a bat.)
Hi I saw you Tumblr pics, you used Portrait + to enhance them, was this the trail version? I take it the text in the middle disappears when one buys. thought I would ask before downloading it.
ReplyDeleteYes, it's the trial version, which seems to have most of the functionality but leaves a watermark logo. However, I discovered later that if you resize the picture to leave about as half as much empty space below the image, you can then crop it back out. I'm really tempted to but the full version of Portrait Professional, but I need a better PC than this to run it on.
Delete