I wonder if that’s what I’m doing after starting this blog.
It’s been nearly a month since that first post, during which
I’ve hung back and dithered about what I’m doing and whether I know what I want
to do. Coming out, even pseudonymously, and online, feels like a big step after
I’ve kept the Susie part of me wrapped up and hidden for so long. It’ll be thirty
years since I last revealed my trans side to someone I loved and trusted, and
that went badly wrong. And thirty years on, it seems in danger of happening all
over again.
Having created Susie’s blog and a Tumblr to go with it, and
uploaded a first post, I’ve held back from uploading anything else, apart from
tinkering with the site layout and design. (I’m new to blogging, and a bit of a
geek, so playing with the layout and widgets proved distracting for a few
days.) I don’t know what I quite expected to happen. That I’d get flooded with ‘welcome’
comments, or worse that someone would stumble across my Tumblr site and
somehow recognize me though the mask of makeup and Photoshop airbrushing. (I
have been able to fool myself for a long time that these are merely ‘laughter
lines.’) Highly unlikely, I know. Sometimes – to my intense pleasure – I barely
recognize myself.
I’ve finally come out as Susie because, I think, I’ve finally
found some people online who seem to share what I’m experiencing, and some who
have successfully reached a balance and made it part of their lives, and even (like
Hannah) find a joy and humor in it. To me, that still seems a long way off, but
I would love to reach that point before it’s too late.
