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Wednesday, 22 December 2021

Happy Holidays

The holiday season is almost upon us. 

For some us us who can celebrate and share the time as their preferred/true self with their families and friends it can be a time of joy, but for others who are unable to do so fully it can be a lonely time that hits especially hard.

If you are in the latter camp, my sympathies and especial love and wishes to you all. Although it may come of scant consolation, I know something of how you feel.

 I would happily forgo a raft of presents and treats at Christmas for the one unspoken item that has topped my wish list for the last few years: the chance to spend the day quietly as Susie together with my own partner. Or failing that, opening a present from her that is specifically intended for Susie. I know that won't happen, and that it is unlikely ever to happen, but if Christmas is not about dreams and wishes, what else is it for?

In the event, Susie will remain an unacknowledged and largely unwelcome presence in the background of this relationship over Christmas and the New Year as on any other day, however much I might wish for that situation to change. But I do have the secret satisfaction that one trace of her will be there on the day as, in something that's almost become a tradition, she has done all the present wrapping again this year.


I've noticed a couple of people using FaceApp images in their blog posts and I was intrigued to try it out.  As I don't have a smartphone and there isn't a version available for Windows, I ended up downloading the BlueStacks Android emulator on my PC so I could download it and give it a try -or at least the free trial version.

Naturally one of the first filters I tried out was the gender swap option. It's interesting how different FaceApp's female version my normal male self is from my own transformation to Susie. 

(I normally wear glasses, but I'm vain enough to take them off when I'm Susie, at least for photos, although maybe I don't have the right frames. Interesting that FaceApp also thinks I should be a redhead. I'm not even sure how I knew that.)

Then I tried playing with some of the other filters, the most interesting of which was 'age'.

So I now have an idea of what what I might have looked like if I had been the person I wanted to be as teenager.

butter wouldn't melt...

xx Susie


  1. A merry Christmas to you, Susie. FWIW, I'm with you on the nature of isolation at this time of year for many trans folk. Perhaps there's a nub of truth in the old phrase 'alone in a crowded room'.

    Years ago, my wife bought me some jewelry for Christmas and that simple act spoke volumes. I don't day this as a brag, but that change is possible and wonderful when it lands.

    I hope that in 2022, you find more opportunities to express who you need to be.

    PS: Fab photos and the red hair really suits you.

  2. I hear you on the wish and dream. It was not to be for me, but I am not complaining as I am now in a position to be more me. It's hard to keep such a thing to ourselves and for it to be rejected by those we love.

    However, like Lynn says, hopefully 2022 will bring you more opportunities to be yourself fully realised!

    As a user of FaceApp a fair amount, I love your shots! Red hair is something I have always wondered about and it just looks great on you, I simply assumed it was your natural colour!

    Anyway, yes, have a Merry Christmas and I wish you all the best!

  3. Thank you both, and all happiness and best wishes to both of you for 2022.
    btw Joanna, if you hadn't guessed, it was your blog that prompted me to have some fun with FaceApp.

  4. I hear you and appreciate the sympathy. It's hard living behind a facade.

    The app gives us much to think about, similar to my experiments with female presentation. For example, shaving my arms made me realize for the first time how similar my natural freckling there looks to my mother's. And wearing breast-forms gives me curves similar to hers. Of course if I'd been born female I would have looked like her but I never realized that until I played with stuff like this. Like you, the age-regression makes us wonder about the life we might have had.

    Happy holidays.

    1. I find these filter programs intriguing. I started out using portrait enhancement programs like PortraitPlus and Portrait Pro, largely for skin smoothing and hiding spots and wrinkles, but there was also a face sculpt option where you should change the shape of your jaw or nose, or widen the eyes and lips. The result was still recognisably 'me' but subtly feminised, like a professional makeover. But the FaceApp version pushes it to a different, almost idealised, level.
      In a previous post I commented on one photo where the sudden resemblance to my mother was unexpected and startling.

  5. Wishing you a very good restful holiday season, Susie, despite the ache from having to suppress yourself.

    Those are amazing results from the app. I daren't try it for myself; I'd probably end up looking a lot like my mother and sisters whereas I want to be different!

    Sue x

    1. Thank you Sue, and I hope you have a good holiday break yourself.

      As an experiment I took the FaceApp photo and swapped it back to male. The result doesn't look much like me at all, so the changes it applies through the filter aren't simply reversible from male to female and vice versa.

  6. I'm a new follower to your blog Susie but I hear what you're saying and sympathize. I've experienced that loneliness myself and I keep my fingers crossed that one day your partner may be more accepting.

    Hope you can still have a Good Christmas.

    Best Wishes

    Lotte x

  7. Thank you Charlotte.
    I did have a good Christmas, thanks. If the choice was between spending with my partner or spending it as Susie on my own, then the choice will always be with company.

    I hope yours was good too.